I'd like to tell you I live a perfect life—free from cat hair covered stretchy pants and nary a urine stain to be scrubbed from a wall, rug, sofa or bed, but that would be a lie. My house is a wreck; trampled by fiendish paws, connected to equally explosive and vengeful bladders.

It wasn't always like that. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I remember a time when I could sit on my innocent blue-grey art deco chair and not have a layer of double stick tape adhere to my butt. I could go to the bathroom, alone, and contemplate important social problems...maybe even solve a few!

Once upon a time, I slept all through the entire night without being startled awake up by a thoughtless, valuting feline. Oh wait...I was in a hotel in New York City at the time, never mind.

No. I don't have kids.

I have eight cats...

...and one boyfriend.

Somewhere in the universe, there lies my opposite; a woman lives with no cats and no man in her life. I look up to her. She made all the right moves. She can dress herself without the aid of a lint brush. She does not know the sheer thrill of pulling back the covers on her bed, only to discover a big urine puddle next to her pillow. (Did I mention that this thrill occurs at 1 o'clock in the morning?) Somehow it makes it ever more thrilling, don't you agree?

Of course, this is a love story. I love my cats, the little bastards, I do. I can prove it simply by the fact that my home equity line of credit is depleted due to at least three of their health crises.

Oh no, I don't have health insurance myself. I'm self-employed. I work at home. Hopefully, I'll never have a health crisis because; 1) I can't afford it and, 2) the cats will probably eat me if I can't make it to the kitchen fast enough to get them their damn canned food.

I'm not complaining, really. I'm not. I'm just a little tired. I'd feel better if I could just talk to someone and share my misery...

...I mean joyful and witty tales of a life filled with cats! My boyfriend just left for work and I'm home alone. Why not make a cup of tea and we can have a chat, albeit a bit one-sided, but that's ok. After what I have to tell you, you may be left speechless, anyway.

Shall we begin?

Robin AF Olson
Covered in Cat Hair:
Mostly True Stories of a Life Spent with Cats
© 2008 Robin A.F. Olson